philosophy at age eight

“If you cannot control your peanut butter, you cannot expect to control your life.”
~ Judah-ism

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

veil of tears

"Veil of tears" was just part of John's existential conversational meandering after I heard that my Grandma died today. So close after Tiffy's shocking and tragic death, it's a totally different experience when the one who died is 95-years- old, and vocal about being 'ready to go'. Her body was eaten up with cancer, and she drifted off in a morphine coma. Though I know my mom was one of the closest people to her these last years, she was telling me tonight how torn she was between whether or not she should be sad. Grandma was so old, in pain, said she didn't want to linger, and would soon be dancing in heaven with Grandpa... but I can tell she was just trying to convince herself.

Must be nice to have that image to comfort yourself with.

We've been expecting this news for days now; it seems I can't watch a movie or read a book that doesn't feature a loved one dying, and my resistance is weak these days. Teary and melancholy; bittersweet because I'm also enjoying a couple peaceful days with my family before I head back to work next week. It's strange to be content one minute, sad and dreary the next.

Funeral. I find American funerals, and "grieving" culture, absolutely inadequate. Utterly insufficient. Fake and dreary. I've learned to despise it these last months. I don't suppose it'll be getting better any time soon.

No comments: