"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
"Classic' - a book which people praise and don't read."
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."
"If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed."
"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?"
"God created war so that Americans would learn geography." (Ed: still so true)
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime."
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
And that's just the first page.